Blowman the Crotchety Santa

SLIDE 13: Carl departs from Hairbo

The Shepherd had brought Carl no closer to the answers he sought. Maybe Santa does batter Canadians, but what about everyone else? Certainly to fear Christmas was not the meaning he sought.

And what of this Santa - a faux-obese man who squeezes down chimneys and gives away presents? Carl thought to himself, saying, “A man so magnanimous - surely he can help me discover the meaning of Christmas!”

SLIDE 14: Carl goes north to meet Del Santabo

And as fate would have it, the star led Carl further and further north, until he was standing at the North Pole, and there met him Blowman The Crotchety Santa.

SLIDE 15: Blowman tells his tale

Blowman cast a lazy, drunken eye towards Carl, staggered to his feet, and said:

Come closer to me, you strange little man
And let me tell you a tale to spread through the land
I do despise Christmas and all that it brings
From those dirty little elves, to those ugly deer with wings

When I left from Chicago to travel points east
I aimed for New England; where on chowder I’d feast
But I was ambushed by elves who brought me up here
They poked me with ice picks, and plied me with beer

Told me, they did, that Old Santa had split
With these parting words: “I’ve had enough of this shit”
All people love Santa, or so you are told
But that’s just the bait to get you in the fold

What they don’t tell you is that most all the toys
Go to selfish little girls, and ungrateful boys
You toil away hard, each fall, spring and summer
So each winter you’re pooh-poohed - man what a bummer!