Meat Sweats with a Marathon Hangover (A Cautionary Tail)

For some reason I thought it would be smart
To run a marathon then eat meat till I shart
What was thinking when I said I could do this?
Now I'm in the bathroom and have blood in my piss

Passing out blacking out praying for the end
I feel like a diver who's got the bends
I can't stand and I can't sit,
I'm laying here with my pants full of shit

I smell like a festering, infected tampon
I feel like I just took it from a strap on
The shit is oozing out of my sphincter
How the hell did I get here?

Well, my hero who goes by the name Brud
Ran some marathons and made me feel like crud
I realized how fat and out of shape I am
Then I sat down and ate a ten pound ham

When I awoke from my meat coma
I had to do something to change my form-ah
I thought that maybe I should start running
My plan was brilliant and felt so cunning

Passing out blacking out praying for the end
I feel like a diver who's got the bends
I can't stand and I can't sit,
I'm laying here with my pants full of shit

I started running, but could only make it a few feet
I started to wonder if I would have to cheat
But I kept going and refused to stop
Soon I thought that I would be on top

But then I timed myself and knew I screwed
I had to come up with a new plan so I was shrewd
Nobody had ever eaten so much meat
After completing a marathon, what a feat.

I know I could do this and I'd be the best
Running was fine, but meat would put me to the test
After several bloody cuts of sirloin and lamb
I started to have convulsions in my diaphragm

Passing out blacking out praying for the end
I feel like a diver who's got the bends
I can't stand and I can't sit,
I'm laying here with my pants full of shit

As I said, I ran the marathon with ease
Even though every mile I had to sneeze
Then later we went to Fogo de Chao
As I tell this story I regret it now.

The meat was so tender and tasted it so good
I was on top of everything I was king of the hood.
I ate animal after animal and I was in bliss
Then all of sudden I felt like I should piss

I went to the bathroom with a confident swagger
As I started to pee, I felt like I got stabbed by a dagger
An explosion rocked my anus and out flew the poo
I was mortified and didn't know what to do

I pulled myself together and hailed an Uber
Got a towel and wiped away the poo
Then crawled out of the bathroom and onto the street
Why did I think I could eat all of this meat?

Passing out blacking out praying for the end
I feel like a diver who's got the bends
I can't stand and I can't sit,
I'm laying here with my pants full of shit