Mike's Italian Vacation - Gyrating Bhtch

Friday, Rome: Left hotel. Almost got run over by some old guy on a scooter. Cursed at him in my own made-up Italian. Drank 5 espressos at an outdoor cafe, served by a waitress named Cola. Realized this city's nothing but old and sweaty. Meanwhile, Tracy's been pounding Sambuca and chain smoking. We decide to go to the coast. I rent a motorcycle....a French motorcycle, and make Tracy drive, because of course I can't drive a French motorcycle. We make amazing time. We rent a house on the beach from a guy named Juan. Juan gives us some opium. We wander through the small coastal town smoking opium, drinking wine, and harassing the local hookers. I steal a handgun from a pimp. We stumble home and amuse ourselves by firing rounds out towards the ocean.

Saturday: Early morning, a hooker tries to break in and rob us. Tracy pistol whips her and knocks her unconscious. We decide to leave. We make amazing time back to Rome. Stop by the Vatican to see Nazi Pope. I puke in the street, and we are promptly ushered away. Stop for some food at a restaurant named Colducci's. We share a bottle of Sambuca with the owner, who swears he knows my uncle. He asks us to accompany him to a party, so we ride with him to a gorgeous mansion overlooking Rome. The party is thrown by the Italian mafia, and has a live sex show going on. We do copious amounts of cocaine. Tracy, in a coke-induced hysteria, shoots the goalkeeper from the Italian national soccer team. Everyone laughs, because the country was disappointed with his performance in the last World Cup. We steal a car and drive back to our hotel.

Sunday: Wake up in jail. The owner of Colducci's bails us out. We take him to lunch and spend the afternoon guzzling fantastic Italian wine. Tracy demands to have a burrito, so we spend the evening wandering the streets looking for a taqueria. We find a Chinese place instead. At a nearby store, Tracy buys some shoes. I buy a dog. We go back to the hotel and pass out.

Monday: Leaving the hotel, the dog runs away. I make no effort to catch him. We take a cab to the airport and get on a plane to leave this lousy country.