gyrating bhtch










Merry Christmas, Bhtch

In the beginning, there was Carl. Once, when night was come, Carl looked up and saw a star in the west. As Carl gazed upon it, the star shone so brightly it consumed all other lights in the heavens, and became the only star Carl could see.

And Carl thought within himself, saying, "It is time for my journey to begin." For all his life he had known he was waiting for a sign, and he knew that when this sign appeared, he would follow it.

And so Carl departed; and lo, the star which he saw in the west went before him. And no sooner had he begun his journey than he was beset with questions: Why had the star appeared to him this night? Where would it lead him? And what would he find when he arrived? Thought Carl, "I have always known of this voyage, but even now that I have departed, I do not know its purpose."

And so it was, that, after much deliberation, Carl decided he would ask the people whom he met along the way to explain to him that which he did not know, and this decision gave him the peace he needed to continue on.

Carl traveled on towards the sea. There met him Toughpaque Boogeur, the Googly-Eyed Fisherman. "Toughpaque," Carl said, "I am following the brightest star in the heavens, but I do not know its meaning. Can you help me?"

And Toughpaque looked up from his nets and said unto him:

I do not know of that light so far
But it does bring to mind the Bethlehem star
A child was born, and brought many gifts spiced
And he went by the name of Jesus H. Christ

"Jesus Christ," said Carl, "who was he?"

SONG: The Jesus Song

The Googly-Eyed Fisherman's words rang true to Carl. And he thought, "So soon in my journey, and already I know a part of its purpose. It is about something called Christmas."

And then Carl suddenly understood why he received gifts each year when the days were short and the air was cold. Moreover, he realized with anguish that he had never given anybody a Christmas gift. "Alas," he despaired, "now I know why I am called 'Carl The Dog-Cheap Bastard'".

The brilliant western star led Carl deep into a thick forest, and finally to a clearing within. There, he met Brickyard the Ill-Proportioned Druid, in deep meditation in front of a towering ash.

"Brickyard," said Carl, "I have just learned of Christmas. Never have I given gifts to my loved ones. I am in despair."

And Brickyard said unto Carl:

Christmas is not about gifts, you see
It started when Christians abducted the tree
It once was a day to laud each shrub and stick
Not to wrap them in lights, which makes me so sick
You have done no wrong, trust the man in the hood
It's not about giving, it's all about wood

SONG: Druid Christmas

"Surely a tradition practiced by so many could not have such nefarious roots," thought Carl, as the star led him out of the woods for cooler climates. And as he walked, he realized with surprise that Christmas had different meanings to Toughpaque and Brickyard. How could it not mean the same thing to each person? Maybe his purpose was not so clear after all. "Perhaps," he thought, "this quest is about the one, true meaning of Christmas!" He bemoaned having no idea of the answer. And as his mind pondered the matter at hand, his feet carried him to a snow-covered hill, where he met Hairbo the Canadian Shepherd, who was tending to his flock of geese.

Carl said to Hairbo, "I need to know what Christmas means. Fair shepherd, what does it mean to you?"

Fear flickered in Hairbo's weathered face, and he said:

Terror and fury
Gifts taken, pain inflicted
Santa The Loathsome

"Santa The Loathsome," queried Carl. "Who is he?"

Said Hairbo:

A big red fat suit
Comes down your chimney with gifts
Leaves them under tree

"He's loathsome for leaving you presents?" asked Carl, now thoroughly confused.

And Hairbo said with finality:

Lazy man
Won't do his own work
We get screwed

SONG: Boxing Day

The Shepherd had brought Carl no closer to the answers he sought. Maybe Santa does batter Canadians, but what about everyone else? Certainly to fear Christmas was not the meaning he sought.

And what of this Santa - a faux-obese man who squeezes down chimneys and gives away presents? Carl thought to himself, saying, "A man so magnanimous - surely he can help me discover the meaning of Christmas!"

And as fate would have it, the star led Carl further and further north, until he was standing at the North Pole, and there met him Blowman The Crotchety Santa.

Blowman cast a lazy, drunken eye towards Carl, staggered to his feet, and said:

Come closer to me, you strange little man
And let me tell you a tale to spread through the land
I do despise Christmas and all that it brings
From those dirty little elves, to those ugly deer with wings

When I left from Chicago to travel points east
I aimed for New England; where on chowder I'd feast
But I was ambushed by elves who brought me up here
They poked me with ice picks, and plied me with beer

Told me, they did, that Old Santa had split
With these parting words: "I've had enough of this shit"
All people love Santa, or so you are told
But that's just the bait to get you in the fold

What they don't tell you is that most all the toys
Go to selfish little girls, and ungrateful boys
You toil away hard, each fall, spring and summer
So each winter you're pooh-poohed - man what a bummer!

SONG: Del Santabo

"Is there no one to show me the way," said Carl, as he walked away from The Blowman. "Can not even Santa himself affirm the goodness of Christmas?"

So Carl followed the star to the south, and after many a day's journey, he came to a warm place where he found The Queen the leprous beggar. Carl looked at The Queen's tattered rags and scaly skin, and thought, "this man who looks so poor must be rich in spirit. He will help me."

Carl said, "Queen, I need to know what Christmas means. I have traveled far to seek the answer, but I am no closer to finding the truth. You must help me."

And the Queen looked at Carl and said:

There once was a man named The Queen
Who kept getting gifts quite routine
More cars, boats and houses
From friends and from spouses
When he just wanted stuff that's obscene

SONG: Plain and Brown

"And now I have met somebody who hates all the gifts he receives," laughed Carl. "Christmas must be a time of joy and celebration, yet I have not encountered a single soul who feels that way. My guiding star is perhaps not such a good guide after all," he thought doubtfully.

But despite his doubts, Carl journeyed on. Carl walked through green pastures until he came upon fields teeming with golden flax, and he came upon the man who tended then, who is called Chickenshake The Arthritic Farmer.

"Chickenshake," said Carl, "How long have I traveled following yonder star, searching for the true meaning of Christmas. But I am ready to give up. Such people I have met! Each more miserable than the last. Please, high farmer, tell me something happy."

Chickenshake pulled on his pipe, and thusly did speak:

In earlier times, before I was a farmer
You might laugh today, but I was quite the charmer
I had a way with the maidens; the courting would start
But as I'd fall in love, they would depart
Once in October, took off with some fink
Another November, she told me, "you stink"
A third in December, whereabouts unknown
And therefore, each Christmas, I was all alone
And so, weary traveler, that is my tale
And I certainly wish that joy could prevail
But each year reminds me I have no true love
That is my Christmas and my feelings thereof

SONG: Country Christmas

Carl took a moment to reflect on his voyage, and when he thought thereon, he lamented, "I have met an Angry Druid, a Frightened Canadian, an Exhausted Santa, a Frustrated Leper and a Lonely Farmer. And there was not a good word for Christmas to be had among them. I can go on no more. My journey, alas, is at an end, its promise unfulfilled.

But as Carl started to turn for home, he noticed that the star was very low on the horizon. And very near. " appears to be touching the ground," said Carl. "In fact, it is touching the ground!!"

Although Carl was still without any answers about Christmas, he was uplifted by the thought of finally reaching the star he'd sought for so long. Carl ran as fast as he could towards the light. And as drew near, the less the star looked like a star - in fact, it appeared to be a small building on a busy intersection, radiating brilliant light from every side.

An overwhelming confidence filled Carl's heart as he sped towards the building. "In there," he thought breathlessly, "in there I will find the answer!"

And Carl rushed through the front door, into a small theater filled with people watching a Christmas show. A man on stage, who reminded Carl of the Frustrated Leper, waved for Carl to approach. Confused but thrilled, Carl raced down the aisle, leapt on the stage, and came face to face with the man. "This is it," thought Carl, "I am about to get my answer! I have never been more certain of anything in my entire life! I WILL FINALLY KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS!"

And the man put his arm around Carl, looked upon him, and said:

"Carl...apes don't celebrate Christmas."

SONG: Apes Don't Celebrate Christmas

Some years later, Carl's aunt came to pay him an unexpected visit. With that, Carl organized the world's apes, enslaved all humans, and decreed that Apes in fact, do celebrate Christmas - in a very simian way. The End?

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