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Captain Flywheel Stageplay

Captain Flywheel and the Produce Section

SCENE ONE

A single light comes up on a MAN who walks on stage, listening to a portable radio.

RADIO REPORT

And now, WMMT news.  In our top story, it looks like the Captain's done it again.  That's right, folks.  Captain Flywheel reportedly fixed Old Man Leon McFadden's riding mower this morning after it had stopped running last week.  Eyewitness reports indicate that Flywheel drove up in a van from the Produce Section, the grocery store just down the road, got out, and knelt down by the mower.  Five minutes later, the mower was running like new.  The Captain drove off promptly in the van, declining interviews.  No one seems to know why he was driving grocer Horace Dryer's van, but observers reported being sure he had a good reason.  We'll be back after this...

The radio crackles and stops working.  The man hits it as the music starts.  During the introduction, the lights come up on the stage, which is filled with broken appliances and machinery:  a bicycle, a lawn mower, kitchen wares, a car, etc.  TOWNSPEOPLE stand amidst the broken machinery.  CAPTAIN FLYWHEEL, dressed in a ratty, patchwork costume which doesn't completely conceal his identity, alights on stage and, during the course of the song, fixes each broken machine.

CAPTAIN FLYWHEEL

ALL

He can't jump over buildings
He can't swim 'cross a stream
But when something's broken
He can hear the machine
To contraptions he talks
He can get in their brains
And when one malfunctions
He can feel its pain

WOMAN #1

My blender's busted

WOMAN #2

My fan's on the fritz

WOMAN #3

Iron's gone wrong
Burned my waffles to a crisp

ALL WOMEN

When a machine is busted
There's no need to fear
He can always be trusted
He will always appear

ALL

He can't jump over buildings
He can't swim 'cross a stream
But when something's broken
He can hear the machine
To contraptions he talks
He can get in their brains
And when one malfunctions
He can feel its pain

MAN #1

He fixed my bike

MAN #2

He fixed my car

MAN #3

He fixed my radio
He sure is bizarre

ALL MEN

He's never failed
He'll forever succeed
He'll always come through
When a machine's in need

Captain Flywheel leaves the stage during the musical interlude. MINDY COFFEY comes on stage, her hands clasped.

MINDY

(to townspeople)

Did you see him? Did you see Captain Flywheel?

MAN #1

Yes, Ma'am. Never thought my TV would work again.

MINDY

Isn't he wonderful?

From the other side of the stage, NEIL STOVEY comes on stage with a sack thrown over his shoulder. He is a shifty-looking man with a strange neck.

MAN #3

(to Neil)

You just missed him.

NEIL

I'm sorry--just missed whom?

WOMAN #3

Captain Flywheel. He was just here.

NEIL

(dripping with disdain)

Captain Whatwheel?

MAN #2

Captain Flywheel.  He's the guy who makes the Maytag repairman sit on his ass.  Heezuh Goddamn superhero.

NEIL

(even more disdain)

Yes, right, well...could you direct me to some lodging?

WOMAN #2

The Medlar's Bed and Breakfast is just up the road.

NEIL

Thank you, my dear.

(hands her a business card)

My card.

Neil and Mindy exit the stage separately, but catch a glimpse of each other as they do.

MAN#1

Who was that?

WOMAN #2

(reads card)

"Neil Stovey, Blender Vendor."

ALL

He can't jump over buildings
He can't swim 'cross a stream
But when something's broken
He can hear the machine
To contraptions he talks
He can get in their brains
And when one malfunctions
He can feel its pain

WOMAN #1 AND MAN #1

So look for that C-F
Scrawled over his heart

WOMAN #2 AND MAN #2

Look for that cape
That's kind of falling apart

WOMAN #3 AND MAN #3

Look for those tights
That got him under arrest

ALL

As superheroes go
Captain Flywheel's the best.

Blackout

END SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO

The lights come up on a kitchen, consisting of a few cabinets, a small refrigerator, a toaster, and a microwave.  Sitting on the counter near the toaster are several pots and pans, as well as a coffee mug.  HORACE DRYER shuffles on stage, dressed in a robe, and begins to prepare breakfast.  He takes a loaf of bread from the cabinet and pops two slices into the toaster.  He opens the refrigerator and takes from it eggs, a slab of bacon, and ready-to-fry hash browns.  He cracks two eggs into a large glass bowl, then peels two strips of bacon from the slab, and puts them in the bowl.  Next, he dumps some hash browns into the same bowl; then, finally, he takes a hesitant sip of coffee, winces at the taste, and pours the contents into the bowl.  He puts the bowl into the microwave, closes the door, and hits the "start" button.

Turning back to the toaster, he notices that the toaster is not working.  Quickly, he darts off stage, and re-emerges a moment later donning the Captain Flywheel costume.  The music starts as Captain Flywheel kneels by the toaster.

POTATO ENVY

HORACE

What's the bother, dear?
Where have I gone wrong with you?
Your toast has always been so warm
Now something in you's gone askew
You can talk to me
The Captain can sense your troubles
Now don't you worry, it can't make toast
So help rid me of my stomach's rumbles

A THREE-WOMAN CHORUS assembles on stage. They emphasize Horace's actions and augment Horace's empathy towards the toaster, but go unnoticed by Horace.

HORACE AND CHORUS

The future may seem frightening
But tomorrow's not so grave
Though it makes a fine potato
You'll never be replaced by a microwave

HORACE

Every person and appliance, too
Has his lot in life, it's true
As a grocer, one thing i've found
You can't start over, fresh and new
So take the hand you're dealt
And be the best as a toaster
As I have stayed for many-a-year
A small-time, miscast grocer

HORACE AND CHORUS

The future may seem frightening
But tomorrow's not so grave
Though it makes a fine potato
You'll never be replaced by a microwave

During the musical interlude, Captain Flywheel summons all his other-worldly powers, bringing lightning and wind, and directs it towards the toaster.  The chorus moves through the alive ether, helping Captain Flywheel harness his energies.

Finally, Horace is done.  The toast pops up.

Blackout

END SCENE TWO

SCENE THREE

The lights come up half-way.  Mindy is in her convenience store, The Caucasian Chicken, wiping down the counter.  On the counter is an abacus and a cash box.  Her store is stocked with, among other things, candy and soda.  In one corner is a grandfather clock--attached to it via jumper cables is a sack of potatoes. 

Neil slithers across the stage with a sack thrown over his shoulder, his three henchmen in tow.

ALL THUMBS

NEIL

This small town's the perfect place
To venge that fruit cast at my face
When my blenders all embrace
My circus past I shall erase!

Neil and his henchmen exit.

The lights come all the way up. 

MINDY

Appliances are the most wonderful things
All of those bells and whistles and rings
But at my touch they just fall apart
A plight that's led to my unsettled heart

The bell rings and a CUSTOMER enters the store, and begins to browse the aisles.

Sure, I guess everything's okay
A convenience store selling candy and pop
The work's not bad and so's the pay
But I'd rather work in an appliance shop

It's been this way since I was young
I broke all my toys, which wasn't much fun
Wherever I go, this hex always comes
With every machine, I'm simply all thumbs

Sure, I guess everything's okay
A convenience store selling candy and pop
The work's not bad and so's the pay
But I'd rather work in an appliance shop

Mindy rings the customer up on her abacus, and the customer leaves.

What keeps a glimmer of light each day
That Captain Flywheel might take me away
With his Flywheel strength in his Flywheel arms
To me and machines he has limitless charms.

Mindy checks her grandfather clock and sees that it's stopped.  She disconnects the jumper cables.

Horace comes on stage and sits in his store. He examines his vegetables.

MINDY

Oh! My clock's stopped! I'll need some potatoes
The Produce Section's are grown in Barbados
Harvey? Harlan? What's that guy's name?
Horace! That's it? He's cute but so plain.

Sure, I guess everything's okay
A convenience store selling candy and pop
The work's not bad and so's the pay
But I'd rather work in an appliance shop

Mindy saunters over to Horace's grocery store, which is in mild disarray.  Mediocre vegetables and fruits dot his produce stand, and the remainder of his store is stocked in an equally poor fashion.  A coat-rack stands in the corner of his store, with his Captain Flywheel costume hanging neatly from it.

Mindy smiles at Horace when she enters, and begins to browse through the store.  Horace timidly follows her from a safe distance, watching her with guarded desire.

Horace's chorus again assembles on stage.  They emphasize the confidence of Horace's words, not the shyness of his actions.

CANDY BAR

CHORUS

Well I'm sittin' in my store
Lookin' over my greens
When 'cross the street comes a woman
Prettiest thing I've ever seen
She comes from dat Caucasian Chicken
Where she runs da whole shop

CHORUS MEMBER #1

She got her eyes on a sack of potatoes
To run her potato grandfather clock

HORACE

Lord, you should see my woman
She got a soft brown hair
Lord, here comes my woman
Struttin' from her convenience store
Take a good look at my woman
Take the wrapper off your candy bar

Mindy occasionally looks over her shoulder at Horace. Horace, dreading discovery, turns away, pretending to tend to the store.

CHORUS

You see, she's hella no good with machines
Seems to break 'em alla time
She got herself a simple timepiece--runs on veggies
I sell her the whole sack for a dime
She and I, we both like appliances
She wants a store of her very own

CHORUS MEMBER #2

I'm gonna make that dream come true
So that we never, ever have to be alone

HORACE

Lord, you should see my woman
She got a soft brown hair
Lord, here comes my woman
Struttin' from her convenience store
Take a good look at my woman
Take the wrapper off your candy bar

HORACE AND CHORUS

Can't stop lookin' at my woman
Though she hardly knows I'm alive
Can't stop lookin' at my woman
Cute white hen blouse, big cheese-eatin' thighs
She worships Captain Flywheel
Wants to be his girl
If I could only tell her
I could rule her world

HORACE

Lord, you should see my woman
She got a soft brown hair
Lord, here comes my woman
Struttin' from her convenience store
Take a good look at my woman
Take the wrapper off your candy bar

Mindy finds her sack of potatoes and Horace rings her up.  Mindy gives Horace a dime, and leaves with the sack.

Horace's chorus ducks down behind Horace's counter.  An egg-timer, labeled in weeks, goes off in Horace's store.  Horace snaps to a realization, and runs off stage.

As the next song starts, Horace comes on stage carrying a bushel of huge vegetables.  He arranges the vegetables on his produce stand, then puts up a sign which reads "Produce or Else".

During the first verse, Horace's chorus reappear as vegetables, "growing" from behind the vegetables on Horace's produce stand.  Horace does not discern them as being different from the other vegetables.

PRODUCE OR ELSE

HORACE

I have borne
Such wondrous corn
Look at these carrots
With so many merits
Bigger than a bunion
Is this onion
Picking these peppers
There's clearly none better

HORACE AND CHORUS

This grocery store was failing fast
But now with these, it has to last
Perfect vegetables will fill my shelves
No one can resist "Produce or Else"

HORACE

The patrons will chant
For my eggplant
And my sprouts
Will bring screams and shouts
By bus and ship
They'll come for my parsnip
With this endive
I will survive

HORACE AND CHORUS

This grocery store was failing fast
But now with these, it has to last
Perfect vegetables will fill my shelves
No one can resist "Produce or Else"

During the musical interlude, Horace scurries around town, passing out fliers about his wonderful new promotion, "Produce or Else".

CHORUS

(during solo)

AHH....

Horace stands proudly by his produce stand, awaiting the expected throng of patrons.  But nobody comes.

HORACE AND CHORUS

Produce or else
Produce or else
Produce or else
Produce or else
Produce or else
Produce or else
It happened again
Nobody came
Nobody came.

A tumbleweed rolls across the stage.  Horace slumps down by his produce stand.

Mindy comes into her store, and installs her potatoes into her grandfather clock.  The clock starts.  As she sets it, Neil and his henchmen enter the store.

NEIL

Excuse me, Miss.  Are you the manager of this establishment?  Then, may I have a word with you?

During the song, Neil and his henchmen become more and more aggressive, and succeed in intimidating Mindy.

BLENDER VENDOR

NEIL

Madame, may I introduce this humble man before you
A man named Neil Stovey who would ask to use this store you
Manage in your very own idiomatic way
I've something for you today

NEIL'S CHORUS

To set up my wares here in your store
To set up my blenders by the score
To set up your patrons for miles and miles
To set up vegetables for their demise

NEIL

What is this? You may suspect
This surplus skin around my neck
Well, never mind that, my dear
You see this is your lucky year
Blender Vendor's my nom de guerre
And I'll use your store to vend my wares
A demonstration is what it is
blender exhibits are my biz

NEIL'S CHORUS

To set up my wares here in your store
To set up my blenders by the score
To set up your patrons for miles and miles
To set up vegetables for their demise

NEIL

Then I'll grind--grind--cucumbers and peas,
Grind--grind--potatoes, beets and leeks
Puree--liquefy--all the greens that I can see
And put to death my past with freaks

Neil and his henchmen surround Mindy tightly and force a fearful nod of permission.

NEIL

So come tomorrow, when the sun is at it's hottest
I shall return with my show, ever so modest
And thank you, young Miss Coffey, for giving me your time
Now, get back to business, and i'll get to mine

NEIL'S CHORUS

To set up my wares here in your store
To set up my blenders by the score
To set up your patrons for miles and miles
To set up vegetables for their demise

Neil and his chorus exit.  Mindy is exhausted from fear, and goes offstage into the back of her store.

Horace is still slumped by his produce stand.  The three vegetables come out from behind the produce stand.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS

HORACE

Such chances should not be taken
By such a pathetic kind of a man
Each attempt, no matter the effort
Rivals the last in absolute vanity
But despite my success at my failure
The point is irrelevant to it all
A grocer cannot be full of joy
When his whole heart is otherwise

VEGETABLE #1

Your limits are ruled by confidence
Your lack of trust within yourself
Rampant humility has crushed your spirit
And soon to follow will be your health

Horace jumps to his feet, surprised by the singing and dancing vegetables.

ALL VEGETABLES

Follow you dreams! be true to yourself!
Let your conscience be your guide!
There is nothing that you can't do
Without that ragged, musty hide

The vegetables gesture at Horace's Captain Flywheel costume.

HORACE

Holy asparagus! vegetables who talk!
Though what you say is hardly true
Without my garb my fix-it trick
I've tried until my face is blue

VEGETABLE #2

If you follow this advice
Your life will change and be quite lofty
And with some luck and confidence
May come the love of mindy coffey

ALL VEGETABLES

Follow you dreams! be true to yourself!
Let your conscience be your guide!
There is nothing that you can't do
Without that ragged, musty hide

The vegetables dance around Horace, confusing him.  As they do, they remove the Captain Flywheel costume from the coat-rack and hide all the pieces of it on their "persons."

HORACE

I cannot believe what I hear
Beyond my surprise at the source
But really, I don't want to change
I'm used to living with great remorse

VEGETABLE #3

A grocer you are most certainly not
"Produce or else" was sure to fail
But your fix-it shop would be a success
For miles they'd come to your year-round sale

ALL VEGETABLES

Follow you dreams! be true to yourself!
Let your conscience be your guide!
There is nothing that you can't do
Without that ragged, musty hide

The vegetables continue to dance, and finally entice the reluctant grocer to join in the fun.

HORACE

I'd like to be what you've prescribed
In your manner so verbose
It does seem odd, you must admit
To take advice from cellulose

ALL VEGETABLES

Follow you dreams! be true to yourself!
Let your conscience be your guide!
There is nothing that you can't do
Without that ragged, musty hide

After the final chorus, the vegetables return to the produce stand.

Neil and his Chorus enter Horace's store.

NEIL

Good day, my good man.  I'd like to buy some vegetables.

HORACE

Vegetables?  Uh...

During the following song, Neil's chorus surrounds and circles the vegetables, who cast wary eyes at their counterparts, but move in no other way.

Horace and Neil remain oblivious to this action.

NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT

NEIL

My friend, you look suspicious
All that I've come to do is
Buy some of your lovely greens
So I can chop them in my machines

HORACE

I don't know what your plans entail
And I'm not out to make you fail
You can plead with me to no avail
'cause they're not even a little for sale

NEIL

All things are bought and sold
I'll pay no mind to what you've told
Your store will not do well
When its stock you refuse to sell

HORACE

It seems your scheme you need to veil
And I'm not out to make you fail
You can plead with me to no avail
'cause they're not even a little for sale

NEIL

My friend, what have I done?
That you should all my wishes shun
My enterprise demands produce
And you refuse to let them loose

HORACE

I know your business and your tale
And I'm not out to make you fail
You can plead with me to no avail
'cause they're not even a little for sale.

NEIL

You will rue the day that you crossed me, my friend.

Neil leaves, followed by his henchmen.

HORACE

Rue the day?

Horace, his confidence buoyed by the fact that he fended off Neil, looks across the street and sees Mindy sitting behind the counter of the Caucasian Chicken.

The music begins, and Horace straightens his clothes, combs his hair, and gets himself ready.

He strides out of his store and across the street.  As Horace leaves, the vegetables high-leaf one another.

Horace throws open the door to the Caucasian Chicken, and begins singing immediately.

DATE AND A BREAK-IN

HORACE

Mindy, I've come here to the Caucasian Chicken
To ask you a question that's been stickin'
In my throat, so baby please don't say no
Would you like to go to a dinner and a show?
Go out with me; to Paris or to Rome
Go out with me; or maybe just stay home

Mindy meets Horace's advances with coy interest.

MINDY

Horace, don't think that I don't like you
Horace, it's not that I don't want to
But you see, I've got a lot of work
Please don't think that I'm a jerk

HORACE

Go out with me; I got tickets to the Bullssss
Go out with me; the art museum's close

At each musical interlude, Mindy considers Horace's proposal.

MINDY

Horace, you're a really nice guy
Horace, it's so cute of you to try
But I still have a lot of work
I hope you don't think that I'm a jerk

HORACE

Go out with me; expensive meal or cheap
Go out with me; would the pyramids be neat?

MINDY

Horace, I appreciate the thought
But I really don't think I ought
I've just got all this work
I'm not trying to be a jerk

HORACE

Go out with me; to appliance stores around
Go out with me; we'll tour every one in town

MINDY

Horace, I would love to
Love to go out with you

Horace and Mindy go off stage.

Neil and his henchmen enter the grocery store.  Neil has a large empty sack thrown over his shoulder. 

NEIL

Anyone about?  No?  Hell yeah!

Neil begins shoving vegetables into the sack.

Neil's henchmen descend on the vegetable chorus.  The vegetables, unable to put up a fight, cower in fear and attempt to avoid capture, but are easily overtaken.  They are quickly bound and gagged by Neil's henchmen.

NEIL

Well my name is Neil and I'm stealin' this cucumber
Tomato, this apple, and even them prunes
On homeboy's damn produce I'm gonna do a number
When I grind 'em, puree 'em, and pound 'em into juice

NEIL'S HENCHMEN

Yeah!

NEIL

No one, but no one's gonna stop my demonstration
In the lettuce, the berries, the guavas and the peas
Motherfucker, I got to, got to vent all my frustration
The sale of my blender's gonna spread like a disease

NEIL'S HENCHMEN

HELL YEAH!

NEIL

In and out the store, 'cause I prowl like a thief
Got the veggies in a sack, on my back, goin' out the door
Take these damn greens and grind 'em in belief
That my super-demo floor show will help me be adored.

Neil and his henchmen take the vegetables off stage.

Horace and Mindy return from their date.  They stop outside Horace's store.

MINDY

Gee, that was fun.

HORACE

Uh...can we do this again sometime?

MINDY

Sure, Horace.  I'll see you tomorrow.

Mindy goes into her store.  Elated, Horace watches her walk back to the Caucasian Chicken, and then floats back into his store.

Horace opens the door and is stunned to find his vegetables gone.  Aghast, he darts for the coat-rack, assuming he can turn into Captain Flywheel, but he stops dead in his tracks when he sees the costume is gone as well.

At wit's end, Horace lets out a MORTIFIED SCREAM.

As Horace sings, Neil and his henchmen set up their display at the Caucasian Chicken.  Shrouded in shadow, they bring on their blender and the vegetables.  Mindy stands at the back of her store, nervous.

HORACE'S LAMENT

HORACE

Oh the horror of it all
But what can I possibly do?
My costume must be at the cleaners
And my powers won't work in lieu

CHORUS

(as Horace sings the verse)

OOOH...

HORACE

Follow my dreams? be true to myself?
Let my conscience be my guide?
Between thoughts and actions is a divide

CHORUS

(as Horace sings the chorus)

AAAH...

HORACE

For if my Flywheel suit were here
The demonstration I could stop
I could convince that Cuisineart
Not to slice and dice and chop

CHORUS

(as Horace sings the verse)

OOOH...

HORACE

Follow my dreams? be true to myself?
Let my conscience be my guide?
Between thoughts and actions is a divide

CHORUS

(as Horace sings the chorus)

AAAH...

HORACE

My veggie friends are surely doomed
The demonstration their demise
If I do nothing I'll have to live
In some inverted paradise.

CHORUS

(as Horace sings the verse)

OOOH...

Horace, dejected, leaves the stage, and the lights come up on Neil's display.

Neil leaps into the gathered throng and begins to orate.

THE PITCH AND THE CATCH

NEIL

(spoken)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen
For coming out today
To see my demonstration
To hear what I have to say
For what you are about to see
Will both surprise and amaze
My one-of-a-kind food machine
Works in so many ways

Horace comes into Mindy's store to watch the show.

NEIL

(spoken)

Ahh, Horace Dryer from the grocery
So glad you could attend
When what I've come to do is done
You may have first taste, my friend

Neil, his chorus, and the gathered crowd FREEZE. Horace and his vegetables do not.

VEGETABLES

Horace, go now, there's nothing to do
Save yourself and grow us anew
Sensible veggies are not such a find
Don't let this weigh heavy on your mind

HORACE

You are my friends, trapped in this lair
Watching you suffer is too much to bear
I know I must act, I know what to do
Stop this contraption 'fore it starts to chew
I'll get in its brain, use my fix-it trick
But with a twist, so it won't work a lick
I know I can do it without that old hide
I'll just let my conscience be my guide

VEGETABLES

No, Horace no, most certainly not
It's immoral to change its lot
The machine's a machine--what it's chosen to be
You can't change its will from a will which is free

HORACE

I hear what you say and I've paid you heed
If I had my choice, I'd much rather bleed
I know that you're right, but I will not waver
There is no use for a moral life saver

Horace summons his energies and, in an abbreviated version of his earlier efforts on the toaster, "speaks" with the blender.

Neil, his chorus, and the crowd BEGIN TO MOVE AGAIN.

NEIL

(spoken)

Lend me your attention
As I flip this switch to the right
To show you my wondrous machine
And bring all of its uses to light.

Neil flips a switch on the blender, but it does not blend.  Instead, the blender falls to pieces.  As it falls apart, the vegetables are freed.

The crowd leaves, laughing derisively.

Neil looks crushed, stunned that his blender did not work.  His henchmen surround and console him.  As the music starts, they begin to disassemble and cart away the blender.

Meanwhile, the vegetables crowd around Horace, congratulating him.

THE REVELATION

VEGETABLES

Horace, your act has made us so proud
You used your powers in the midst of a crowd
Though your path was not all that straight
You've finally taken control of your fate

HORACE

I've never felt so happy and free
So what if they know the Captain is me
My dear vegetable friends, I can't thank you enough
You've helped me overcome so much difficult stuff

During the song, the vegetables put the Captain Flywheel costume back on the coat-rack, and then return to the produce stand.

Mindy walks over to Horace.

MINDY

I can't believe what I just saw
My head is spinning in a whirlwind of awe
All my conceptions are coming undone
The two that I love really are one

HORACE

I've never felt so happy and free
So what if they know the captain is me
Mindy, my sweet, I'm so glad that you know
I am much more than some ordinary joe

ALL
The Captain has been revealed for all see
Now I know he's not you, and you know he's not me
For years flywheel's legend has grown and evolved
This town's biggest mystery has finally been solved

HORACE AND MINDY

Everything can now begin anew
And to our dreams we'll always be true
I don't know why it took so long to see
Our true salvation is in you and me.

Neil, having finished carting away the blender, assumes center stage as the next song starts. Neil's henchmen help to illustrate and punctuate his story as he tells it. As Neil recounts his story, Horace and Mindy watch from the side with a gathering awe.

GOITER MAN

NEIL

When I worked at the circus, you see
Outside the tent and the rings three
I was the attraction that brought the CROWDS
Come rain or shine--sun or clouds
I was the headliner of the sideshow
They'd come for miles to see my throat
I was the Goiter Man, but now I'm Neil
My checkered past I can no longer conceal
As Goiter Man I ruled the freaks
The crazies, the weirdos, and the geeks
I nurtured my goiter both night and day
Avoided iodine in every way
I was the headliner of the sideshow
They'd come for miles to see my throat
But one day the crowds greeted me with jeers
Threw veggies at my eyes, nose, and ears
Someone slipped me iodine, it changed my physique
My goiter went away within the space of a week
Lichme The Clown--though he wouldn't tell us
Or the Bearded Lady, who'd become quite Jealous
I was the headliner of the sideshow
They'd come for miles to see my throat
And so I dedicated the rest of my life
To put all vegetables under the knife.

Neil collapses in a chair, exhausted from revealing the grisly details of his past.

During the musical interlude, Horace changes his store from a grocery store to an appliance store.

HORACE AND HIS CHORUS

I've made a decision I'd like to announce
I'm closing my grocery store for good
For in it's place you will find
The best appliance store in the hood

HORACE

Mindy, my dear, I'll ask for your aid
Please manage my store, as that is your trade

MINDY

Horace, I'd love to.  Your idea is grand
With your fix-it skills we'll be in demand

HORACE AND HIS CHORUS

I've made a decision I'd like to announce;
I'm closing my grocery store for ever AND EVER
But I need someone to buy and sell
Someone who is bright, quick, and clever

HORACE

We've a better salesman than Ron Popeil
Who better to sell than our friend Neil

Neil brightens and stands up upon hearing that Horace is inviting him into the fold.

NEIL

You respect my skills so I'll join your shop
I no longer feel disdain for your crop

HORACE AND HIS CHORUS

I've made a decision I'd like to announce;
I'm closing my grocery--bringing it to a stop
And my Flywheel costume, IT will be hung
In the front window of my shop

HORACE

And for my cellulose friends I will make
A refrigerator door that's clear, not opaque
They'll stay on display inside the store
So they'll be preserved forevermore.

During the closing measures, Horace shows Mindy and Neil his new store, and they dance around it for joy, cementing their new-found friendship and partnership.

Blackout

END SCENE THREE

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Some years later, Horace's aunt came to pay him an unexpected visit.  Seeing the wondrous vegetables, and the opportunity to further surprise Horace, she made a healthy batch of ratatouille. Neil went back for seconds.

CURTAIN CALL

THE PRODUCE SECTION

ALL

Many years ago just down the lane
There was a grocery store, it sure was lame
The Produce Section is what it was called
And its failure nearly made Horace bald
I used to buy my groceries at his store
Now I bring my broken appliances to his door
C-F and the Produce Section it's called today
Horace mends machines throughout the day
Mindy Coffey makes the whole place appealing,
While Neil's sales figures are through the ceiling
I used to buy my groceries at his store
Now I bring my broken appliances to his door
next time you happen to be in town
Be sure to drop by if you're around
C-F and the Produce Section is quite a thrill
I heard one guy came all the way from Brazil!
I used to buy my groceries at his store
Now I bring my broken appliances to his door
Neil was once the Goiter Man
The Caucasian Chicken wasn't in Mindy's plan
Horace needed to follow his dreams
Now they're all happy--or so it seems...
I used to buy my groceries at his store
Now I bring my broken appliances to his door.

THE END.

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